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06 May 2008 @ 01:16 pm
Last night, I was chillin in my crib,
minding my own busines, when the doorbell rang.
It was late, so I freaked out.
I get scared and run into the bathroom..
But it keeps ringing.

So I went to open the door, and it was this guy.
that I hardly know.
And whom I havent thought about, like, EVER.
And He was flirting, wanted to come inside,
And he did...
we just talked. He talked ALOT.

He likes me... I dont get it.
I wasnt even wearing makeup and my hair was one big curly mess!
and I had the biggest pants on and a smaaall t shirt.
I looked like... yeah, like i was going to bed!

After an hour he took my hint, I wanted to get some sleep.
And he went.. and then he texted me alot afterwards.

Anf you know, he looks good, and he seems nice,
and he understands my sense of humour.
But.. I cant date him. I cant date anyone.

Im scared. Fo sho! Im like, almost crying because i wanto let go sooo bad, but i jsut cant seem to do it. And im thinking, no man is gonna let you starve, and he's not gonna understand. And he's gonna ask questions and .. It'll just end up a mess... *and what do I do when he doesnt want me anymore?? end up depressed, fat and ruin not only my life, but my sons too..

I've eaten 100 cals sofar.
My hips are so big. Omg.
04 May 2008 @ 09:15 pm
In must be crazy.
this is what I hate yesterday:
- 3 rolls with butter
- a pack of salad
- 5 pieces of bacon
- 1/2 bag of chocolate

And today:
- 4 friggin rolls with LOTs of butter.
- Majo
- 4 eggwhites
- 1/2 cucumber.
- 1/2 pack of cookies.

And no vomiting.
Actually I'd like to vomit on myself atm.

Me and my friend are gonna kick ass this week.
Everything is better when she's doing this with me.
Like, if she says she didnt eat, I cant eat.
And she was eating like a pig this weekend too,
so maybe I felt like it was okey if i too got fat as a pig.
Squeeze me, I'll probably oink.

I was Really drunk yesterday, and hung oput with my x.
OMG. Does he have to be so fucking cute and nice when he drinks.
He looks at me like im the only one in the world.
When he's sober, he acts like he dont know me.
I think he secretly loves me. HAH!

We make the cutest couple.
And we were in hospital together after we took an overdose.
HAHA, We' re pretty much fucked up, and I guess thats the biggest reason for us not being together. I might seem like im just making fun of the whole situasion, but its sad. Really is.

I walked home with his friend. It took us about 2 hours.
I felt pretty friggin good..
Walking for so long makes me feel like i can do it all the time.
Im'a start walking really long walks.

02 May 2008 @ 12:04 am
So I pretty much dont have anybody it seems.
first of all i dont wanna seem like im weak or anything like that.
second of all, i dont wanna upset ppl or give them reasons to always pick on me,
or whatever they are trying to do. Yeah sure, they hurt, and make it all about them.
and im not about to go around crying my eyes out, when im obviously fine. To them.

I cant describe the feeling i've got.
the feeling of wanting to get in the shower, and tear my skin open.
the feeling of sitting on needles and pins just because everything seems so hard right now.

and i really need help with my kid, And i really need to go to school,
but i cant, cuz my mom and my dad has to work all the time,
and just askin them for help makes me wanna throw up.

seriously... I've NEVER felt this alone. Ever.
It feels wierd.
And im trying to understand, *If its the ana/mia crap,
Or if its really me.

Today my sister said i had a skinnt face and called me anorexic.
I smiled, and said i ate as much as the next person.
24 April 2008 @ 05:43 pm
Im shifing moods from one minut till the other.
Now, my whole face is aching.
and I was looking through my fridge, realizing everything in there just made me wanna puke. And I just started working out.

Its 2 hours left til my baby goes to sleep.
Then im'a sit back and really relax, while watching a movie or something.

I'll probably have to eat something tomorrow.
something real.
It scares me.

I feel the waterworks coming on now.

Gonna have to find something that will put back my smile..

17 April 2008 @ 01:32 pm
Ive reached a goal, and im happy about that ofcorse.
But the happiness kinda end, and I feel fat..
I feel like, looking in the mirror, me looking like 200lbs.

I knooow eeveryone says that.

I should shower.
always makes me feel more.. clean. of corse,
but it feels better in my head too.
I hate not being perfect.

Perfection can be a perfect hell.

Im cleaning my house like a mad man. ¨
My hands are sore...!
from dehydration and scratching them while Im sticking them down my throat.
yeah well...

I was sending this picture to my friend,
to show her a dress I just bought for my soster konfirmation.
and she put some art on it. I kinda like it.

My arms look really huge..
10 April 2008 @ 11:50 pm
Little miss self destruct

Been up all night talking to myself again
Don’t worry im doing okay, please don’t say
Anything to anyone about my health, speaks thou a word your skin’s gonna melt.
and I do swear im not too nice and I do swear im cold as ice, and do believe I can pay the price, I have to pay to get these guys, hopefully I will be thin and then again you’ll see me win, spin around, like some fucking druggy bitch, its like I’ve found a cure for this itch, do one pound and then one more, see im not you typical dramawhore, see Im not hardcore I just play the game I was put here for, every little thing I see and read about each day, these Hollywood bitches, what made outta clay? It’s not even normal who the hell are they? Something is wrong cant you tell, and its not me that made this world seem like hell, and I just go through it cuz I don’t know what the fuck to do, with you and with me and with my crew, it bothers me deep down in my soul, you keep coming back to refill my hole, the piece of the heart you stole you cant ever replace and its not my fault I cant seem to paste, myself from my disease, im a ana-addict and im addicted to the rush, and I may be gay too, you hear me bush? Ha-ha sorry im not your average person and I do cut myself from time to time, and I do live to tell in all of my rhymes, and you keep reading it out loud like I didn’t write it, this is my music, this my shit, this is my life this is my new hit. I picked up those pieces, rinsed them up and put em in, took the pills and made a sin, my new drug of choice my heroine, confused now don’t you think let me be the black and pink kick your ass and make you leave I can handle this, you seem deceived. Just take your shit and leave I don’t wanna see you here.

Little miss self destruct
Had a fit and made it work
Took a couple and rinsed it down
With pure vodka up in crazy town
Little miss self destruct
Wanna see her fat been sucked
Plain black coffee and cigarettes
Don’t need to eat -no need for that.

The heavens is red and I don’t know why, im getting colour blind when im on this high, shit fuck oh my oh my, what is mummy gonna say when she see you like that, you’ll probably hear you’re still too fat, in my ear something’s ringing and I cant see shit, my body is shaking and im having a fit, again, oh then, take another pill, or whatever, take ten, I don’t care what happens I might pass out, would you please remove this crap from my mouth, take it, take it I don’t wanna eat, jizes what’s wrong with you, I don’t even eat meat, its like your suffocating me with those stupid words and I know I said get the hell out, Im fine, im good, im slimming down and its all me, im removing the pounds. She’s in there somewhere, helping me get by, look im doing good, aren’t I? Please don’t yell, im sorry I failed, im gonna do so well today, you’ll see Im not soiled. I ‘ll go for that walk, oh hell ill run, anything for you my honeybun, you know we both want them to be superstunned, superhappy and superscared, wondering about how the hell I dared, how I did it so fast and how I didn’t fall, and I get my thinspo from nic and Giselle. And if I die before my goal, I’ll probably go to hell, shit im going to hell. At least I have a story to tell. Im interesting, that’s what I try to say, and im hiding away, but for my own good okay? Don’t be so jealous, I swear it’s not to bad being you, try walking in my shoes for a day, you’d be high too. you would too been standing on that ledge, closing your eyes calling out the pledge, the society you knew you’d failed, looking drenched, sad and pale. And having to realize this too would fail, you couldn’t go through with it and you cried alone with the cops around you, asking you were you live, wanting to help but nothing did, and you kept your mouth shut, like a lid, and told them nothing about what she said. And you’d probably kissed yourself when I had to be me again, clinging to those thoughts that remained, looking right through me like I was stained. Like a child crying to her mama, walk away, no more drama, no more of this you’re too tired and weak, and I say hell yeah im at my peak, from this day on I will not speak, about my freak, inside this head I have a voice, giving me no other choice, I don’t want them to kill her, to take her from me, she’s the one being there cant you see, she maybe some what honest and somewhat mean, but she tells me things I haven’t seen. Like, see the fat on my thighs, never realized they were so big, I’ll disguise, I’ll work out and I’ll be nice, I’ll be strong ill be so good, I lose 20 pounds, no more food, im halfway there, oh shit no im not, I still have like 30 if I wanna be proud, and then we’ll see, she’ll tell me, she’ll say what I need, she’s the voice that me feeds, just call her misses deeds, I call her Ana, sometimes I say slut, sometimes I don’t know her sometimes she’s a cunt, sometimes so oblivious to her silent screams, but mostly she yells even in my dreams, even she comes from your mouth, I think it’s the drugs that’s keeping her out. My gawd im so hungry, and it feels so good, im so fucking empty I feel the blood, running, through my veins, numbing my body and hating the cravings, take my gross fat away hide me until that day, I can walk in the snow without leaving a trace and you will ask me, just in case, if im anorexic and if I love what I do, and I will probably tell you, and say your in it too..

Little miss self destruct…

its not too good but who care. anyways, theres a ana inside all of us
10 April 2008 @ 11:45 pm
"you know mary Kate looks like a fucking skeleton, you try to be that?? you'll have to take surgery. You probably wanto. you probably wanto stop eating so that you die.. its stupid."

HAHAHA one of my friends said this to me..

what the hell does she know? she try to diss me, and still ,who's the one always talking about losing weight and eating less and working out more?? its not me. i keep my fucking mouth shut, cuz i know, the way i look i shouldnt be allowed to talk at all!! i shouldnt eat, and now, im just discusted by food, its like eating your own shit.

10 April 2008 @ 12:58 pm
I might aswell post my stats here too, since I've allready emberrased myself in the forum ;p

Im 5'8.

LW: 106 (Before I got pregnant)
HW: 180 (right after i had the baby)
CW: 122 (Been jumping up and down from 128-122, and its making me NUTS)

Sg: 110
LG: 100 (I would look skinny, with my bone structure being big and all)
08 April 2008 @ 12:44 pm
so far:
Tuesday (yellow):
Breakfast: 1 banana (108.5 cals)
Lunch: 1 cup grapes (114 cals)
07 April 2008 @ 09:47 pm
Monday (white):
Breakfast: ½ apple (40.5 cals) SKIPPED
Lunch: ½ apple (40.5 cals) SKIPPED
Dinner: 1 cucumber (24 cals)
Total: 24 cals

wierd day.. wasnt even hungry.